Excuse me!

C

Corey_gt

Admin
A guy walking down the street
looks across the road and sees a
fella with a banana in his ear. Your
man is like wtf! So with that he
decides to shout over 'excuse me
mate you have a banana stuck
in your ear' the guy shouts back
'sorry buddy cant hear ya Ive got a
banana in my ear.




Taxi!
 
HutchGlanzaV

HutchGlanzaV

Member +
I've been arrested twice this week for beating up my girlfriend. The police asked me why I keep beating her, so I told them, its probably due to my distinct weight advantage, longer reach and fancy foot work!
 
C

Corey_gt

Admin
Two bulls in the country father and
son break into a field full of
heffers (lady cows). The son says
to the father come on dad we run
down there and fuck one of them.
The father replies no son we'll
walk down there and fuck the
whole lot of them.!
 
Jaak

Jaak

Member +
good ones! my turn.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of t * ts in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet..

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
Iain@CRD

Iain@CRD

Lifer
A rich man and a poor man are buying gifts for their wives birthday,
the rich man says "i got my wife a brand new BMW and a diamond ring, that way if she doesnt like the ring she can take it back in her BMW and still be happy". The poor man says "i got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo that way if she doesnt like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.
 
Chris@CCM

Chris@CCM

Member +
beatz said:
A rich man and a poor man are buying gifts for their wives birthday,
the rich man says "i got my wife a brand new BMW and a diamond ring, that way if she doesnt like the ring she can take it back in her BMW and still be happy". The poor man says "i got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo that way if she doesnt like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.
Click to expand...
hahaha
 
M

miller_EP91

Member +
i went into B&Q the other day and punched a black women . i got arrested. the coppers asked me why i done it and i replied , my dad told me to go down B&Q and find a Black and decker.
 
HutchGlanzaV

HutchGlanzaV

Member +
I got banned from B&Q the other day, some twat in an orange apron asked if I wanted decking. I got the first punch in though!
 
Iain@CRD

Iain@CRD

Lifer
I saw my mate the other day, hes only got one arm. "Where you off to?" I shouted. "To change a light bulb" he said. "Thats going to be awkward isn't it?" ... "No..." he said, "Ive still got the receipt!"

Sorry if this one offends anyone in advance ...

Paddy sitting on a train across from a blonde in a mini skirt.
He soon realises she is going commando.
"Are you looking at my fanny?" she asks.
"Yes i'm sorry" says paddy.
She says "its very talented. Watch this, i can make it blow u a kiss and wink at u".
He stares in amazement as the fanny first blows him a kiss then winks at him.
"Come sit next to me" she said.
"Would you like to stick 2 fingers in?" she asked.
"Fuckin hell" he said, "can it whistle aswell?"
 
M

Matchew

Member +
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down




Finally,the guys' side of the story.
We always hear"the rules"
From the female side.




Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!




1.Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or

cheryl cole

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
 
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