Yep advice :(

[Iain@CRD]

After my last thread of advice things started to improve until just lately.

To start with i came to the decision that it was best for me and his mother to stay just friends, i lost that first feeling i had for her.

Since my son Lewis was born on 11th of March ive managed to unfold some truth along the line.

Intially when my son was born, his mother said to everyone that knew .. i wasent to know about him being born. Cant begin to say how hard that feels to take in but ill tell you once that sword is out my back ...

Since 11th March i get to see my son .. once a week. Its the hardest thing to live by knowing i only get to see my son once and knowing that when he stares at me, thoughts go through my head saying, i bet he doesnt know who i am, im probally just another stranger because i dont see him as often as everyone else.

Yet, i cant take him out for a walk, to my house to meet my family as its only my sister thats saw him, make up his bottles, change him, be there through the night and in the morning for him because SHE wont allow it. I want to experience bringing up my son just as much as she does but it feels like im not being allowed to. Dont i just have as much of a say as she does? Im his father and always been the mature one out of us two. One night i was up seeing him, bloody 6 guys came in with bottles of cider and tracksuits on while my sons sleeping in my arms and there trying to turn up the music, thats how the imaturity bit comes into it.

I was talking to her today as an example, i said to her that i couldnt make it up on Wednesday as i was going to Manchester for the day, i asked if we could change it to another evening at somepoint in the week and she said she was busy ... what busy every minute of the day? ... i then asked who will be looking after Lewis as she said she was working in the evening ... her responce was her mates mum. I've agreed to change it when she had plans on a Wednesday to suit her needs but as soon as i ask i have it flung straight back at me.

This situation is driving me crazy and affecting me everyday in my life. She made comments that when have i ever been a father to him, all i do is come up and hold him and feed him, i wasent the one carrying him for 9 months, make his bottles, there in the mornings, when hes crying, change him etc etc .. but shes the one that wont bloody let me!

It now feels like i have 2 choices ... i either try and continue with it or go seek legal advice. If she finds out tho that ive been to seek legal advice she will probally try and stop me from seeing him, obviously only until the courts decide but courts and lawyers are slow as hell, now im stuck inbetween two choices.

All i want to be is a good dad, im trying my hardest to be one but it seems like at the end of every street im stuck with a dead-end that prevents me from moving forward.

Iain

 

[muthaducka]

If it helps, I've got a friend who was been struggling for years - 12 to be precise. His mother has banned mobile phones for the daughters just incase they call their dad. The nasty new boyfriend has slashed tyres on his car, again a non mature resolution.

He has taken it to court (not finished yet) and will be smiling when things are more settled and even.

I would say get the ball rolling while you are young. Phone citizens advice free of charge and make the effort to start the ball rolling. I would make sure your ex is kept in the dark while you do the research.

It doesn't sound much fun but in my opinion, women like that aren't going to suddenly turn a corner and give you open access or listen to reason.

People can argue with legal action but there becomes a point where you can't resist. Sorry to sound so negative.

 

[stuart]

I've been where are you now. My ex and I fell out not long after my daughter had just turned 1 iirc, we didn't speak to each other for around 3/4 months, I didn't get to see the little 'un either during this time. We were slating each other to our friends etc, basically both just being childish about the whole situation. I did look into involving courts, social services etc - not to sound harsh but it is alot of money/time/effort for both parties to come to a conclusion. I thought about the solicitor path, spoke to a few people who have had the same experience, and even with me having a decent job, secure home for her to stay in, local schools/nurseries - but from the people I spoke to unless the child is in a really shameful environment the child will stay with the mother.

Since then we have arranged set dates, even set times as to when I pick her up and when I drop her off (once every 2 weeks for the weekend, every 2nd weekend she stays at mine) but we only got there through one of us actually making a move and saying not something that was abusive.

ALTHOUGH

In your case, I assume you're either paying maitenance through either the CSA or its done through a verbal contract, which surely means you are entitled to see your son? You could try and seek some advise, phone social services and ask them the score. Don't threaten her with solicitors becuase imo it will only make it worse. Maybe try and draw up a plan for when you want to see him that will suit both you and her?


If you want to talk mate, my MSn should be on my profile.

 

[Adam_Glanza]

shit man thats one of the worst situations to be in.

i no it sounds silly but isnt there that group called fathers for justice or something that are into this sort of thing?

unfortunately the mother is always seen as the most important parent by the courts but you deserve to see him just as much as she does!

what are her reasons for not letting you see him more often?

 

[Neal]

All i will say is go and seek legal advice because you might be granted a full weekend of having your son - friday to sunday evening. That will give you two much better time to get to know each other!

 

[sx_turbo]

i would say the same as above ian.

it's better to start the bull rolling now while your son doesnt understand whats going on.

seeing him 1 evening a week is not good for your relationship with the baby.

you should get to have the baby at weekends from friday evening till sunday evening, while your ex looks after him during the week.

that i would say would be the best option.

EDIT- seems everyone beat me to it lol

 

[Neal]

i would say the same as above ian.

it's better to start the bull rolling now while your son doesnt understand whats going on.

seeing him 1 evening a week is not good for your relationship with the baby.

you should get to have the baby at weekends from friday evening till sunday evening, while your ex looks after him during the week.

that i would say would be the best option.

yeah that tends to be the usual way it will go even through the courts - that way your not disrupting his schooling from monday-friday he has his routine for school etc and then friday night you pick him up and take him with you until sunday.

 

[sx_turbo]

ian have you spoke to your parents about this?

see what they say

 

[Iain@CRD]

@Stuart: Im paying maintence mate through a verbal agreement, £120 a month i pay.

This all started bud because i did try and talk to her about it. She has a tendency to be really imature and not sit down and listen, shes always right as far as shes concerned.

Her words were "its my rules hes my son" .. im tired of hearing that word "MY" there is no "MY" in this only "OUR".

The only problem is the law between England and Scotland is different when it comes to situations like this, i believe in England when your son is born the father have parental rights/responsilbilites and in Scotland you need your name on the birth certificate or it has to be made via the courts.

@Adam: She has no reasons at all mate, just seems to be trying to be very awkward about the situation.

@Neal: it does feel likes its my only resort, surely the courts wouldnt give me a worce outcome than what im currently in?

@Ricky: I havent yet mate no, im planning on talking to my old man about it tonight, he knows the system fairly well being an officier of 26years but doesnt deal with these situations, only courts and lawyers etc.

 

[aaronw]

legal advise 100% ,best of luck mate.

its a terrible situation to be in,hope it works in your favour,altho i cant see an arguement against you seeing your son more,this is the only kind of situation that would put me off or think twice about having kids.

 

[Rory]

Ian,

DONT go through the courts, it will end up the same, and you will be out of pocket by paying out more.

Just keep trying, but not in a pushy way.
Im sure she will see sense, and realise that you are right.

Easier said than done mind you, but you know what i mean.

Rory

 

[Iain@CRD]

Ian,

DONT go through the courts, it will end up the same, and you will be out of pocket by paying out more.

Just keep trying, but not in a pushy way.
Im sure she will see sense, and realise that you are right.

Easier said than done mind you, but you know what i mean.

Rory

I would've thought the courts would've allowed me to see him more mate. Theres always the option of Legal Aid to help through the lawyers and courts process.

I'd be surprised mate if she did, ive tried so many times and everytime we try and talk, shes alrites right and ends up in an arguement and i need to be the bigger person and walk away.